Introduction: Audrey

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Shalom!

First of all, I'd like to thank Moneybags for his email and invitation, and this chance that he's given me to share with everyone my vocation.

I'm not a born Catholic even though my parents are Catholic. I used to blame them for not baptizing me when I was a baby. I was angry with them for being irresponsible as Catholic parents, because they didn't keep their promise made during their marriage -- to bring up their children in the Catholic way. However, I want to thank them for their decision: to let me choose what I want to believe in.

I believe I was called for the first time when I was about 10. One day my parents asked me whether I wanted to attend Sunday School to know about who Jesus is, I said 'yes' although I didn't know what Sunday School is all about. Since then, I grew more and more interested in Jesus and God; I was a fast learner and even at that young age, I started sharing with friends what I know about the person called Jesus.

Upon seeing my interest, my uncle who was a headmaster in a Mission School, bought me prayer cards and christian bookmarks every time he came to visit us. He even gave me his favourite prayer book -- that was my first prayer book. I was only baptized and received my first Holy Communion (finally!) 3 years later. My Sunday class teacher told my parents that if I stay longer I could learn more, which I did. But after my baptism, I continued attending the classes even until I've received Confirmation... I hungered for more.

I cannot remember when my first time to Mass was. I followed my aunt who, like my parents, wasn't a frequent church goer. What attracted me then were the priests' gestures, and I couldn't understand why the celebrant would have to be a man and the altar servers boys. I also liked looking at the priests, some of them were good looking and some had melodious voice. After my first Holy Communion, I started to attend Mass every Sunday morning. Because of my brother (who was also baptized and had his 1st Holy Communion the same time as me) and I, my parents also started to attend Mass. I began serving and was well known as the 'transparency girl'. I gradually picked up my courage to talk to priests and the sisters; I even found out that I have a relative who is a sister, and that was when God attracted me to religious life.

Slowly but surely, I made more and more discoveries about religious life. Being totally interested in it, I made a promise to God that before I find out what my real calling is, I would remain single. For the past two years, I've been eagerly seeking for an answer: Am I called to religious life?

God referred me again and again to 1 Cor 7:32-35, but I didn't understand what He was trying to tell me. There were even times when I started doubting, "Jesus is sending me off into the hands of another guy. He doesn't love me anymore." I even wondered if I should just start a relationship and forget about my vocation. But of course, I didn't do so. Every time a guy came along, I compared him with Jesus. "He's not as rich as Jesus, he's not even as handsome as Jesus, he's just a human but Jesus is a Prince, he cannot give me what Jesus has given me; then what's the point of going for him and abandoning Jesus??" Little did I realize that I'm already head over heels in love with Jesus and no one can separate me from His love.

I finally got an answer last year after much searching and prayers, but it was an indirect one. I found out that my vocation is not married life. How did I feel? Couldn't be happier!

So right now, I'm still unsure of what my vocation is - either becoming a religious sister or single dedicated life. I'm now praying for an answer whether or not I should join the Secular Order of Discalced Carmelites (OCDS). By joining OCDS, I will be able to discipline myself and concentrate solely on spiritual growth, and thus preparing me for my real calling.

Funny but true, my heart is longing for a single life. However, that needs verification.

My life revolves around music and praise and worship. Serving in the music ministry in church now has also helped me a lot in my relationship with God. I dedicate every love song to Him - that is how I express my love for my Saviour. I'm so totally addicted to Him that every song that comes from my heart is out of love for Him alone. Therefore, I'm looking for a more intimate relationship with Him.

I ask for your prayers that I may find out my vocation soon.

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