Sorting it out - One week to go.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I have been back and forth between nervousness and excitement about my trip. This is a really big deal to me. I don't want it to be too big of a deal because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about it. In my rollercoaster of emotions, albeit a gentle roller coaster with shallow drops, I find myself seeking out the comfort and encouragement of those around me, often those who are too busy to listen. And in my struggle, I hear the same voice I have heard for a good portion of my life - the same voice I heard calling me six months ago.

My devotion is to Christ. My passion is for our Lord. I love Him before and above all things. I wish to reserve my heart for Him alone. I want to give myself unselfishly to the possibility of becoming His bride. But perhaps in all of this, behind all of this, is a hint of anxiety and nervousness at the greatness (the huge commitment and sacrifice) of it all. Am I going to be a good sister? Can I live this life? Am I really cut out for this?

And faster than I can get the questions out, I answer them to myself. I will be a good sister if I keep Christ as my center and I let the Holy Spirit guide all of my thoughts, words and actions. I can only live this life by the extraordinary grace of God. All who are called are cut out for it in rough form - but must be sanded down and shaped to fit properly (again, by the grace of God).

The words of excitement and prayers from everyone help keep me excited. Again, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, so sometimes I feel embarassed or ashamed to be exceedingly joyful or excited. Call me scrupulous. :(

A newly-made friend of mine is knitting me a scarf. I am grateful for a number of reasons. First and foremost she spent a lot of time I'm sure racing through it to finish it as soon as was possible. Second, it is handmade with love. Third, I think it will be a source of great comfort for me. It will be my physical reminder of the love of my friends and family back home, and of all of my online friends, who will be praying for me (hopefully) too.


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