Monday, April 02, 2007

Sorry I've not been around lately. I didn't know what to say here so I didn't say anything at all.

Since my first post here, I have had a lot of time to pray and think about religious life. I've visited sisters and lived their life for some time. I've continued to be open. And in this process I have come to understand now that what I experienced that day was not necessarily a confirmation of a call to the religious life but rather my final acceptance of whatever it is He wishes to give me. On that day I was finally truly open to whatever the Lord had for me and wanted from me. I was so open to religious life that I felt like I should pursue it. And I did. But in hindsight I can see that this was the very first time I had ever truly opened my heart that wide for Christ to step in and take hold. I had actually released all of my hold on my vocation. It was His. It was no longer mine. And in my excitement and openness to the thought of religious life, I thought I was called to pursue it. And I still believe I was. (Confused yet?) I think that the experiences I have had thus far have been great blessings in my life and I have learned a lot about myself in having done these things. I have grown in many ways and I praise God for the time I spent doing each thing I did. But I do not know that I am called to the religious life. I thought I did. But I didn't and I don't. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm okay with not knowing. Just living and doing what I know He calls me to do in this moment is the best way for me to live. It's the best way I know how to follow Christ. And I think He is pleased with this as well.

I am still discerning. We spend every day of our lives in discernment. But I'm not running in one direction or the other. I'm letting things fall where they will and trusting that He will direct my path. He knows what is best for me and I wish only do to His will. If I am called to be a sister, praise God. If I am called to be a wife and mother, praise God. If you were to ask me today where I think I'm headed, I wouldn't tell you. That is certainly one thing I've learned from all of this. This is between me and God. I know that I am headed down one of these two paths and although I do not see clearly now the path that lay ahead of me, I know that in six months I will look back on today and see all the little signs in my life. I will see the gentle nudges in the direction He desires. And I smile thinking of that. Because I enjoy looking back on my life and recognizing the ways God has worked.

I have more joy and more peace in my life today than I ever have before and it is because I am trusting in Him and following blindly. I'm not pushing myself in any one direction. I am very happy and I hope you will be happy for me.

With that, I will step away from Holy Vocations. That being said, I hope my posts will not be removed. I think my story is a good one to leave up as it shows another side of discerning religious life that is not often shared. Every journey is different and not every person who feels called at one time or another is called. And that's okay. I will continue to pray for all of the other contributors, that God be your first and your last in everything. I pray that He guide you always and bless you for your openness to anything He may present you.


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