Dreams vs Reality

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I've been thinking...

Having a vocation to the priesthood or the religious life would be such a blessing.

BUT

Can I really fit that role?

I try to imagine myself as a monk, waking up real early to pray for the WHOLE WORLD, going to do chores and coming back for prayer, and all of this in SILENCE. Do I really see myself doing that?

Then I imagine myself as a priest, hearing Confessions, visiting the sick, the dying, the imprisoned, the poor, the lonely, and most importantly: calling upon the Holy Spirit to change bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ, as He commanded. Do I really see myself doing that?

But what if I'm not called to any of that? What if I'm just called to be like everyone else. Well, at least it'll look like I'm just like everyone else. But I imagine living my life still "in" the world will be very difficult. The temptations to just "go with the flow" seem so frightening and powerful.

Sure, being a lawyer seems like so much fun. But what if that's only on TV? What if it isn't as exciting and fulfilling as Law & Order makes it seem? Can I really be the Catholic lawyer who stands up for what's right? Do I really see myself doing that?

Being a father. That scares me. Can I really be a dad? Can I really be there for my children and for my wife? Can I really support them all "until death do we part?" Do I really see myself doing that?

Sometimes I wish I had myself set on one goal so at least I could go forward in life, instead of having three-fourths of myself lingering somewhere behind. In the end, I'll end up crossing intersections with my true vocation and it'll all work out. But at least I moved forward.

"Lead, Kindly Light." Why can't those words be mine?

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