Ever Onward.

Friday, January 29, 2010

So I know that I said I was going to be taking a break but I just really felt the need to post on here again tonight. I was talking to one of my friend earlier about how no matter how hard I try to not think about it it just won't leave me alone. I know that I'm not supposed to be thinking about it to much right now but at the same time it's a part of me and who I am and that's never going to go away. She told me that maybe this thought that I had was God telling me that it's okay to think about it a little bit more now. So I decided that I was going to post on here. So here goes.


So lately I've been dealing with a lot of drama in my life and on Sunday during Mass it all hit me at once. I'm dealing with a friendship struggle that has been going on all year but has really come to a head in the past week. I'm also still struggling hugely with my vocation and now on top of it I'm starting to freak out a little bit about NET because I honestly have no plan B if NET doesn't happen. That really scares me because I've always been a planner and a list maker and now I don't have a back up plan and don't have a list at all. Then on top of all of this I'm sick and my mother is out of town so I'm trying to be the mother and the teacher and the student and I'm taking a class at the community college which is totally overwhelming. So yeah, I've been dealing with a whole lot and on top of it I had a thought pop into my head and not leave in regards to my discernment that I really don't know how to deal with right now. I'm not quite comfortable sharing it as of yet but it's huge and it's really freaking me out a lot.
So I wrote this poem type thing about twenty minutes ago and it pretty much says it all.

All around me is darkness, I have no idea where I should be going, yet I can't stop walking.

Walking, walking, always walking yet never being able to see where this path is leading.

I just keep walking in the darkness and the fog. No light to see the path yet on and on I go.

Darkness is all around me and I cannot see anything yet something is drawing me on, on, ever onward.

What is this that draws me ever on? What is the sense of light though all is darkness? Where is this peace coming from when all is chaos?

Even in the midst of darkness, wondering and fear there is light, clarity and peace.

Where does it come from? It can only come from God. He is the source of all light and peace, peace that truly passes all understanding.

He alone is my light and my peace. He alone will show me the way. He alone is leading me on, on, ever onward.


JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills. Thank God ahead of time!

8 comments:

Betsy (OP at heart!) Friday, January 29, 2010 at 10:49:00 PM PST  

Sorry, I don't know why it always posts funny when I copy and past something.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria!

The Scarlet Pimpernel Saturday, January 30, 2010 at 9:20:00 AM PST  

Dear Betsy,

I attended the November retreat with the Domincan Sisters in Ann Arbor as well (I think I met you). I know how hard it can be with the discernment and all; I'm going through that right now. I wanted to share with you two Bible verses that are helping me right now: Jeremiah 29:11-13 and Philipians 4:6-7. Look 'em up, and I hope they help you out.

Maybe I'll see you at the February Retreat. :)

~Vicki M.

Victoria Rose Saturday, January 30, 2010 at 9:22:00 AM PST  

Oops! sorry about ^ that comment. I forgot to log out of my brother's account.

~Vicki

Betsy (OP at heart!) Saturday, January 30, 2010 at 11:02:00 AM PST  

Jaja. Oh my! You have no idea how often those verses have come up in my life. You would think I would be able to get it into my head but for some reason I still have a hard time trusting. I'm not going to be at the Feb. retreat but will for sure be at the May retreat so maybe I'll see you then.

JMJ+
~Betsy

Totus tuus Maria! Let's see what the good God wills.

Sadie Monday, March 1, 2010 at 8:56:00 AM PST  

Hmm.. It sounds like God really wants you my friend, He's strengthening your faith and giving you that pain of longing that comes only when a Lover is trying to be loved. God bless, I shall pray for you :).

(Canticle of Canticles 1:14)

Eileen Bellamy Tuesday, March 2, 2010 at 3:01:00 PM PST  

Beautiful piece of writing, Betsy!

I will be praying for you and I know that God will do great things in your life. I should know. This is coming from a lay Dominican who is discerning a possibly to switch to be a sister or a nun. God bless you!

In St. Dominic,
Eileen

His little one,  Sunday, May 2, 2010 at 8:08:00 PM PDT  

Dear Betsy,

Do not be afraid. When there's a lot going on and life gets stressful, it's REALLY easy to question everything...including the life our dear Lord is calling us to. I know--I'm in med school and have been discerning a religious vocation for over five years now. And every time I get really, really anxious...whether it's a tough set of finals or the Board Exam or my uncle's death or just too many nights without enough sleep...I feel like maybe I'm not called to be a Sister. But it is so important to hang in there, to not give up (especially when times are tough), and to always turn to God in prayer. Listen carefully...don't just talk to Him...and trust that you are where He is calling you, at this very moment. God bless you, dear sister in Christ, and know that you have my prayers.

Sadie Monday, May 3, 2010 at 11:06:00 AM PDT  

Amen. Be not afraid. Thank you "His Little One" for the comment. Though it was not meant for me, I also benefit from it. I will pray for you :).

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